FEDERAL UPDATE-or-
Where Do These People Come From?
by David Sheridan, Director of Financial Aid
Stevens Institute of Technology, Hoboken, New Jersey

As you know, there are many laws related to Financial Aid. One of those laws is that every conference must include a session entitled "Federal Update." And chances are that a person familiar to all of us will give "Federal Update." Let's call him Jeff Butcher-Baker-Candlestick Maker. He does this so often that there may be people who think that "Federal Update" is part of his name.

Now, it's very easy to understand why he does these sessions. He is, as they say, The Man. As the point person for formulating and communicating Department policy, we need to hear what he has to say. He not only has the scoop, he usually makes the scoop. So, what do we do when we have him conducting one of these sessions? Do we engage him in dialog to help us learn where the Department is going? Do we try to learn more about how federal policy is formed or the philosophy behind it? Do we take advantage of the fact that he leads the division that has more impact on our day-to- day lives than any other in the Department by letting him know what really matters most?

No, we nickel-and-dime him. We sit around and try to come up with the most bizarre cases, things that could never happen twice, things that Program Reviewers would scratch their heads about, and drill him. The following transcript of a Federal Update takes liberty with reality, but it's certainly not far removed from what we hear at each Federal Update session:

Moderator: Yada, yada, yada, and here he is, Jeff Butcher-Baker- Candlestick Maker.

JB: Thank you for having me, I'm always happy to visit you here at the NWJCSAGRASFAA Conference. It's a lovely part of the country, although I'm not sure where it is on a map. Last week I was at the Federated States of Micronesia Association conference, thanks to the fact that they were able to lend me one of their rafts. I'll take questions now.

Q: Hi Jeff, thanks for being here. I have a problem I'm trying to fix. I'm at the Andy Warhol School of Modern Art, and we've got 15-minute programs in illustration, commercial art and multi-media downtown club hopping. We give students the option of single billing at the beginning of the pro-gram, or they can go on the deferred payment plan, in which we bill them every 5 minutes. Now, my question is, do we have to do a disbursement that corresponds to each bill? Can we do a single disbursement? Oh, by the way, we're a clock hour school.

JB: As, um, unusual as your program is, there's nothing you describe that would exclude you from normal disbursement requirements. That's a 15-minute program you say?

Q: Yes. Our students are busy. Remember, the first two are spent painting a Campbell's Soup can. That only leaves 13.

JB: And you have a Program Participation Agreement from the Department?

Q: We're appealing the decision. I have another question. If we state that everyone in our program will be famous for 15 minutes, do we have to provide statistics verifying our for-mer students' fame?

JB: Yes you will, just as you would have to for advertised job placement rates. You may have to also demonstrate that they were famous for at least 15 minutes. For instance, I hope Sukreet Gabel and Fawn Hall weren't your students.

Q: No they weren't. What would constitute proper documentation? Would clippings from People Magazine be OK, or would we have to include the Village Voice?

JB: It would depend on community standards for fame. For instance, I don't think the Village Voice is even legal in Utah. Our time is limited; let's get on to the next question.

Q: Peace, Jeff. I work at the California Institute of Holistic Oneness. We have an 11-month program in aromatherapy that's broken up into 13 mini-sessions of varying length. The sessions also overlap academic years, but we feel that time is a man-made concept and should not be used to impose upon our students' feeling of wholeness with Mother Earth or limit their vision. Students can take anywhere from 9 to 12 mini-sessions, depending on the certification they're seeking.

JB: I see. What kind of certification is that?

Q: Holistic healer or holistic healer's Webmaster.

JB: OK, what's the question? (mutters something about being glad he got out of California)

Q: What if they decided to enroll for all 13 mini-sessions? Can they get extra Pell? Oh, and is it OK that we accept Discover cards?

JB: No, they can't receive extra Pell for voluntary additional coursework. Maybe they can become a certified shaman after they're done. The regs are silent on use of the Discover card. Next question, over here.

Q: Howdy Jeff, I work for the 10-4 Institute. We teach truck driving by correspondence. What's the maximum percentage of prison inmates you can enroll in a program and still receive federal funding?

JB: I think you're going to have to talk to the Department of Justice.

Q: Why's that?

JB: Well, either to increase your enrollment or to make some contacts. They know the folks in the Inspector General's Office pretty well, and you might be getting to know them too. Next question?

Q: Hi Jeff, I'm excited to be here! I work for Billie Mae, and we're a new company that wants to offer students the convenience of earning their college degrees and other important credentials they need to get ahead in this fast-paced, global economy that you hear so much about these days, but do it in a way that allows them to keep their current job AND take advantage of the wonderful new technology that everyone's talking about. Is everybody with me? Audience: Yeah!

Q: Great! Well, Jeff Butcher-Baker-Candlestick Maker, my question for you is about this distance learning that's sweeping the nation by storm.

JB: Wait a minute. What kind of courses are you offering and how are you offering them?

Q: We offer our courses by infomercials. Come to our booth in the vendor's area for a spectacular, limited time offer!

JB: Wait until you get certified, OK? Next question...

Q: Jeff, what's this we're hearing about the PIN? Or the DRN? Or the EAC? We're so confused about these three little letters and four little numbers.

JB: Yes, I'll admit there's some confusion out there. Last year it was the DRN, this year it's the EAC and next year it's the PIN. But wait, there's more. Starting in 2001/2002, it will be the DUH, then in 2002/2003 it will be the HUH, then in 2003/2004 it will be the I I I, unless Congress extends the next Reauthorization, in which case a new method of naming them has to be devised. There will be a series of NPRMs published in that case.

Q: Why on earth is it done this way? We have to update our instructions every year.

JB: I know, so do we. You should be in the meetings where we discuss what color the SAR is going to be. Next?

Q: Jeff, I work for the Esperanto College of International and Global Affairs. The world is our campus.

JB: Good luck on your crime reporting statistics.

Q: Huh? Oh yeah. Well, anyway, we have locations in many countries, and I have a question about cash management. Some of our campuses are in areas where, well, they don't use traditional cash or other Western ideas about commercial transactions.

JB: I see. What do they use?

Q: Goats. Or sometimes chickens, maybe ducks in the villages near water. Oh, and some use seashells.

JB: Ooh, you had me for a minute. I was afraid you were going to say something about, well, never mind. Sorry, what's your question?

Q: I have a few. First, do the regs still apply for refunding Title 4 credit balances? In one village, disease wiped out the goats right after the end of add/drop, so there was no currency. We couldn't refund any credit balances. Also, does the Department have any rules about how the exchange rate between US dollars and seashells is supposed to work?

JB: I think you'll have to find your own exchange rate information, but make sure you document it well. There are some nice shops down the Jersey shore that sell a lot of shells, check out the one in Ocean City. That might give you an idea, although admittedly cost of living standards will vary. There may also be something in the regs about shells made into jewelry, trivets or those souvenirs where they make a frog playing the saxophone out of shells. We can have some-one get back to you on that, but I'm pretty sure those don't count. As for the goats, I believe there was a Dear Colleague Letter, I think it was 98-GOAT-173, that declared a disaster area if livestock-based currency was wiped out or made scarce by disease. But you must make sure that your campus was in one of the affected areas and that it was an approved disease. Hope that answers your question, but you might have to think about other types of animals to use. We have time for just a few more questions.

Q: Hi Jeff, I just wanted to say that you are my sunshine.

JB: Thanks, that's very nice of you. Do you have a question?

Q: No. That's all.

JB: Mark this date in your calendar, folks, Jim Murphy had nothing more to say. Someone else?

Q: Hi, Jeff. I've got a student who was raised alternately by his parents, who are married but have multiple partners and live in different states, his maternal grandmother, a paternal uncle's college roommate and an older sibling. He was home-schooled, but it was on a parcel of land that overlaps state borders, then he entered the Armed Forces but only served long enough to complete the discharge papers. He was convicted on drug trafficking charges but lived in a state that permits the medicinal use of marijuana, so he got sick. He has a C flag on his SAR, which we think was because he changed his name to Elvis Presley in a ritual ceremony at Graceland so there's no Social Security match. I want to know: a) is he independent; b) does the drug conviction pre-vent him from getting aid; and c) does a photo taken at Graceland in front of a guitar-shaped swimming pool constitute documentation for the name change?

JB: We've seen many cases just like that, so it was specifically addressed in a Dear Colleague Letter. Look on IFAP.

Q: Jeff, something occurred to me while I was listening to things people were saying in this session. Is it possible to use computers in the administration of financial aid? I mean, think about it. It could make life much easier for all of us. There's even this World Wide Web that we could use. JB: Hmm, I think you need to read up on your Dear Colleague Letters and then take a trip to 6th Avenue Electronics. And don't expect it to make your life easier. One last question.

Q: Jeff, is the maximum proposed Pell Grant for next year $3,525 or $3,325?

JB: Sorry, we can't comment on that.

Moderator: Those were really great questions, thank you all for participating in this lively discussion. I have a few Elvises on my campus too; our cafeteria even sells fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches now. We want to thank Jeff for being here, as usual his insight and assistance with the challenges facing our offices has been invaluable.